


So Here's the Thing

by quicksilverdeancas (quicksilvermalec)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean POV, No Dialogue, Other, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:00:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22700620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quicksilvermalec/pseuds/quicksilverdeancas
Summary: There's only one way to describe this:fuck.
Relationships: Castiel/Gabriel/Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 60





	So Here's the Thing

Dean is driving.

He’s known to do that from time to time, when he needs to get somewhere, when he’s angry, when he needs to clear his head… and right now, he definitely needs to clear his head.

He couldn’t stay in that Bunker surrounded by those three men, he would die. He needed to escape, to get away, to be alone with his Baby. The only one he could rely on without fail every time.

There’s only one way to describe this: _fuck_.

So Dean drives.

Dean doesn’t return to the Bunker for several hours, but when he does, Cas is waiting for him eagerly at the door. He looks like he’s been worrying, he seems relieved by Dean’s return, but he also smiles at Dean in that soft way like Dean’s his favorite person on earth.

Dean fucking hates it.

He shoulders past him, his walls springing up because _what? No he didn’t cry in his car, what are you talking about_ and he needs to be angry instead of sad and confused for at least thirty seconds. He doesn’t miss the near-devastation on Cas’s face as he completely ignores the friendly greeting.

Dean goes into his bedroom, bypassing kitchen and library where he knows Gabe and Sam will, respectively, be. He can’t face any of them right now.

So here’s the thing about Cas.

In some ways, he was Dean’s “Gay Awakening™”. He dropped into Dean’s life, blew out all the lights, let Dean _fucking stab him_ and stood there, coolly staring at Dean, like he was surprised and impressed.

A fucking _angel_.

And then he was always around with his messy dark hair and his ocean-blue eyes and his trench coat and his sex voice. And Dean was… well, Dean was kind of fucked, to be honest. Because Cas was different, he was new and bright and enthusiastic and also… kind of… hot.

And yes. It took Dean literally a decade to admit that to himself. He’s an idiot. Isn’t that what Sam’s been telling him since he was twenty?

In essence, Cas is ruination.

Sam corners Dean around seven pm, demanding why he hasn’t eaten dinner yet and _this is so not like you, dude, why are you sulking?_ Dean shoves him away.

Sam somehow manages to force his way into the room – curse the bitch and his broad shoulders – and forces Dean to sit on his bed, but he can’t force Dean to talk. Eventually he gives up and goes to bring Dean some food because _goddammit, Dean, you know I worry about you_ and Dean picks at it and leaves it on his bedside table to throw out at midnight while Sam’s asleep.

Sam gives him that look that Dean hates, the look that’s part puppy-dog eyes and part bitchface number four hundred and sixty-two: _Why Can’t You Take Care Of Yourself?_ That look that’s all worry and love that makes Dean _feel_ things.

His least favorite activity.

Dean wants to punch him or scream at him or something but he can’t because Sammy is still his baby brother and he’s trying to help and Dean isn’t _that_ big of an asshole. Usually.

Sam scrubs a hand down his face, sighing heavily, and walks out of the room.

Dean watches Sam leave and pretends he’s not crying.

So here’s the thing about Sam.

He was the first. Full stop. He was the first a lot of things for Dean. But mostly, he was the first thing Dean cared about enough to die for. And that’s scary. Dean has always managed to love Sam more than he hated himself, which is quite a feat. Dean’s never been comfortable with having things to love, because when he has things, that means he could lose them.

Dean wants Sam safe and happy above all else, but another, more selfish part of him also wants Sam near him, so that Dean can _know_ that he’s safe and happy. Dean wants to be able to check up on him, to observe, and when Sam is close, Dean feels secure.

Dean _feels_.

Dean feels far too much when it comes to Sam. It’s really annoying, not to mention outright terrifying, to love a person that much.

In essence, Sam is terror.

Dean emerges from his room three days later, gaunt and pale, having barely slept and not eaten since the burger Sam thrust at him that evening. Gabriel purses his lips and starts making food for Dean.

Now, Dean knows Sam loves Gabriel. Every time Sam looks at the archangel he gets this glint in his eye like he had with Jess the one time Dean saw them together, like Gabriel means the world. Dean also knows that Sam loves Cas, because every time they bump into each other Sam laughs that happy laugh that means that he’s content and safe and Dean _wants him safe_. But especially, Dean knows that Cas and Gabe love Sam.

And he’s fine with that, for the most part, so long as they don’t get all up in his face with it. If they want to do their thing, if they want to all be together… far be it from Dean to stop them.

Gabriel presses a plate of pasta into Dean’s hand alongside a witty comment about being thinner than a stick. His brow is furrowed in worry, and Dean sneers at him because he’s only worried for Sam’s sake.

He’s only worried for Sam’s sake. Dean wishes that didn’t hit him so hard.

He reluctantly takes the food and walks away and Gabriel grabs his arm. When Dean turns back, he’s all seriousness, which Dean is _definitely_ not used to. His face says _we’ll get it out of you_ and Dean sticks out his tongue like a child before walking away.

So here’s the thing about Gabriel.

He’s annoying as all fuck. He and Dean have a relationship that consists almost entirely of antagonism and playful banter that borders on actual mutual hatred. They yell and tease and act all angry but at the end of the day Dean still knows he’d sacrifice anything for Gabe.

He wishes he wouldn’t.

Dean avoids Gabriel more than anyone else in the Bunker because Dean has no idea how to feel about him, or how he _does_ feel about him. He confuses the everloving shit out of Dean, scrambles his brain, derails his train of thought.

In essence, Gabriel is distraction.

Dean drives. Every chance he get, he drives away from the Bunker, just wanting to escape from the suffocating environment. Dean drives to protect himself so he doesn’t have to face the fact that he is too far fallen.

Dean drives.

Dean is driving at 6:03 in the morning on July ninth, when Castiel appears in the back of his car.

“Dean,” he says seriously. “We need to talk about this.”

Dean swerves and says “no.”

“That wasn’t a request.”

“You don’t own me,” Dean spits back, even though it’s an outright lie.

Cas shakes his head. “Why can’t you stand to be near me? Any of us?”

Dean grits his teeth and ignores the question.

Cas looks crestfallen. “We miss you, Dean,” he murmurs, and then he disappears.

Dean drives. He doesn’t stop driving for almost twenty-four hours, but eventually he stops at a super shady motel with a failing shingled roof and a stutter red VACANCY sign that makes him wonder if there really are any vacancies.

There is one.

He takes the room with the too-large bed, sits on the edge and tries to sort some things out.

So here’s the thing about Dean.

Dean never really learned how to be a person. He only ever existed to do things for people. He was John’s warrior, Sam’s protector, a hunters’ legend. He never had a real purpose, and he was raised and trained, had it _drilled into him_ that he was not worthy of love.

Which is why Dean pushes himself away.

Even though the four of them fit together perfectly.

Because Dean doesn’t deserve good things. Dean doesn’t get good things. And even if they wanted him, which they don’t, Dean would never accept it, because they are good, and Dean…

In essence. Dean is a ticking time bomb.

When Sam knocks on the door to the motel room Dean jumps six feet, and when he realizes who it is he seriously considers slipping out the window. But Sam’s standing there, separated from him by barely a foot of wood and _how the fuck does he always look like a kicked puppy_ and Dean has always been weak for Sammy, so he unlocks the door and opens it.

And Sam tackles him, strong arms enveloping his entire body and Dean doesn’t care enough to pretend to fight it so he just lets Sam hug him and doesn’t ask which angel teleported him here. He sinks into his brother and Sam makes a strangled sound against his hair. And then Dean does fight, he pulls away, and he can’t look at Sam because he knows if he sees Sam cry he’ll cry too and he can’t do that.

So he sits back down on the bed and stares at the wall, and he hears Cas and Gabe join Sam in the doorway, and he can feel their disappointed and sad looks burning into his back, and when a hand falls on his shoulder, he turns.

And there they are, those blue eyes that he’s obsessed with, right next to him, and he doesn’t think. He lunges forward and pulls Cas against him and Sam makes another little sound, not at all like the one he made earlier, and-

When Cas kisses Dean back, the universe explodes.

So here’s the thing about Team Free Will (the third iteration).

They're good. They're happy living together in the bunker, and they are good.

It’ll take a very long time, but eventually they’ll learn (especially Dean) that they do deserve good things, and that they have earned everything they’ve gotten. Someday, when the world is no longer in constant danger and their lives are slightly less hectic, they’ll realize that there’s nothing else to be afraid of.

In essence, the four of them are happy.


End file.
